Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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