dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
