you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
