I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
How does it feel to date your dad?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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