Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
