Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
