we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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