actually, I'm a sock model
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
