The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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