even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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