I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you still have your period?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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