you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i came on her dog
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
