also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
