Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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