Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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