Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
