i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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