My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
