When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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