True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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