it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.