hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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