if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So vagazzling was a success
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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