haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
