That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
