i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
