My Higher Power is John Stamos
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
