Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Mom said you looked used
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
