its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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