I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
