She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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