Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
