He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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