I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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