why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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