shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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