6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
