i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
