new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
