Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
ttyl tear gas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
