Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.