So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.