I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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