Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
