He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
