After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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