just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The uberlube is also flammable
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
you never un-have a 4some
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
