It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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