You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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