How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
