i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
