puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
