If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
