Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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