Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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