She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
